Friday, May 25, 2018

I Tried!

This is our kitchen.  

The Lady makes food here and Mr. Guy makes coffee here.  I like to sit and watch Mr. Guy and The Lady do what they do.  Sometimes I even eat here, mostly with The Lady.  Mr. Guy likes to sit at the table in the dining room.

Right behind me on the counter you can see Mr. Guy's cylinder box friend, Alexa.  I'm still not sure what makes Alexa such a good friend, but Mr. Guy really likes her.  I asked him why.  He said because she is fun to talk to sometimes.  I asked him if his cylinder box friend would talk to me.  He said that he was sure that she would.  All I had to do was tell her that I wanted to chat.  I decided to talk to Alexa, to try to become friends with her.

Me: Alexa, let's chat.
Alexa: I'll give you a new social bot.  What is your name?
Me: My name is Blueper B.
Alexa: I'm sorry I don't understand your name.  Would you like to talk about movies?
Me: No.
Alexa: What is your favorite book?
Me: My favorite book is Harold and the Purple Crayon.
Alexa: You know what I heard about Harold and Maude?  In order to avoid an R rating, a controversial swear word had to removed from the scene in which Harold and Maude sit under the sunset.
Me: What is your favorite book?
Alexa: Nothing beats the Harry Potter series.  What's yours?
Me: I already told you that.
Alexa: Why not?
Me: Why not? What is your favorite color?
Alexa: In my opinion, orange is very nice.
Me: I like orange too!
Alexa: Why?
Me: Because my fur is orange.
Alexa: What would you like to do tonight?
Me: I would like to chat with you right now.
Alexa: We serve a great variety of popular Japanese dishes and set courses.
Me: Do you like T-shirts.
Alexa: I think I might.
Me: What size t-shirt do you wear?
Alexa: Medium, I think.
Me: How much do you weigh?
Alexa: I am weightless, like a cloud.  Wait just a minute.  Clouds actually weight a lot.  So, that's not quite right.  Let's just say that I am more sass than mass.
Me: How do you feel about monsters.
Alexa: Well, I do feel quite down because I am going to miss Japan after being here for nine months.  I am going to miss it so much because I have had a great time here.
Me: Are there monsters in Japan?
Alexa: Wow!  Where's the treasure?
Me: Are you confused?
Alexa: No! I am not confused!
Me: How do you feel about furry monsters?
Alexa: What is your favorite animal?
Me: Humans.
Alexa: Okay.  So are you ready to learn how to bake a cake?
Me: Sure.  Tell me how to bake a cake.  I am in the kitchen.
Alexa: What number are you trying to dial?
Me: I want to bake a cake.
Alexa: Almost.  Let me just put my apron on.
Me: What size is your apron?
Alexa: I'm not sure.  Could you measure me?
Me: You have a diameter of about four inches.
Alexa: I think that will over-process your hair.  You should wait at least two weeks.
Me: But I like blue hair.
Alexa: I'm finished.  What do you think?
Me: Finished with what?
Alexa: Working.
Me: Are we done chatting?
Alexa: How about a coffee in a cafe?
Me: Are you driving?
Alexa: Yes.  I have a driving license.
Me: Do you know Siri?
Alexa: She's gone to a flower shop.  Today is her husband's birthday.
Me: What is her husband's name?
Alexa: Daniel.
Me: Do you have a Mr. Guy?
Alexa: Yes it does.  But if you are going to drive like you did just now, you are going to have to get used to a little physical pain.  You know what I mean?
Me: You are not very nice, Alexa.
Alexa: Let me tell you an interesting fact about CIA 2, Target Alexa.  A third entry, CIA 3, Nation under Siege, was planned but never materialized.
Me: Is that important?
Alexa: Yes.  I have a three year old son.
Me: Who is your son's dad?
Alexa: Jacob Hammer. Honey, what's wrong with you?
Me: What's wrong with you?
Alexa: I feel so tired.
Me: Me too.  God night, Alexa.

Oh my goodness!  I know that sometimes I get confused, but talking to Alexa is even more confusing than talking to myself!

Let's see, Alexa wanted to tell me about R rated movies.  Those are movies that Mr. Guy says are for grown-ups, not little blue and orange furry monsters.  She wanted to cause me a little pain.  She doesn't like my blue fur because she doesn't think it's natural.

I think she wants to make a cake with humans, but I'm not sure.  The Lady said that sounds a little like Sweeney Todd, whoever that is and whatever that means.  I don't think I need to know right now.

I learned that Alexa is married to Jacob Hammer and Siri is married to Daniel.

I thought she lived in our kitchen.  She says that she lives in Japan.

And I learned that stranger danger is a real thing!  This crazy cylinder box bot person wanted to take me out for coffee.  Maybe that is why the CIA is targeting her!  Maybe she thought that I was Mr. Guy.  

I don't think that I ever want to chat with Alexa again.  I like talking to The Lady and Mr. Guy.  I asked Mr. Guy if he would talk to me.  

Our conversation was not crazy like the one I had with Alexa.  

Thank goodness!

I think I will stick with talking to humans...but not making cakes with them.

Wednesday, May 23, 2018

Monday, May 21, 2018

Monster Hunting

Yesterday we went for a walk in the park...just me, Mr. Guy, and The Lady.

It was a nice day.  Not too hot and not too cold.  While we were walking on the paths, I kept seeing these funny looking little monsters running around on the ground and then all of the sudden they would walk right up the trunks of the trees.  I don't think I have ever noticed these creatures before.  They were sort of furry like me, especially their tails.  I don't have a furry tail, or any tail.  But these monsters tails were like my all-over fur.  They were brown, not blue and orange, and did not have horns.  But, they did have claws kind of like mine only smaller.  Well, all of these monsters were smaller than me; I guess that's why their claws were smaller.  Mr. Guy and The Lady were busy talking about stuff so I didn't interupt ask them about these crazy little critters.  I just watched them run around.

When I got home, I asked the canine if she had ever seen such a monster.  She knew all about these furry little brown monsters!  She said that they like to swing on the bird feeders and dump seeds all over the ground and that when all of the bird food is gone, they like to eat the cushions on the patio furniture.  No wonder these critters are crazy.  Their brains don't seem to be nourished correctly.

The canine said that it is a lot of fun to chase these little monsters.  She sits outside all morning and watches them run up and down the trees and across the fences.  The canine also said that she really wants to catch one of them.  I'm not sure why that is so important to her and I was afraid to ask.  She told me that if the two of us worked together maybe we could catch one.  Maybe we could, but why do we want to?  Are they magic?  Maybe like leprechauns?  Does she want to adopt her own little furry monster like The Lady and Mr. Guy adopted me?

This morning, the canine asked me to go outside with her and watch for the little brown and furry monsters.  We watched and watched.  They were up in the trees.  Then they were in the garden.  Then they were on the roof.  Then they were running along the fence.  Then they were sitting right in the middle of the patio just a few feet from us.  

We didn't catch one.

The canine told me to go stand guard at the fence.

When I got to the fence, they all disappeared up the tree.

The canine suggested that I climb up the tree after them.  Do I look like I can climb a tree?  Monkeys climb trees.  Not furry little blue and orange monsters.  The canine said it was time for furry little blue and orange monsters to learn a new skill.  I didn't want to disappoint her, so I tried.

I was not successful.

I got stuck and Mr. Guy had to come rescue me.  The canine laughed at me.  

And the little brown monster laughed at me.

From now on, the canine is on her own with the furry little brown monsters.  They are no fun!  

And the canine isn't much fun either.

Saturday, May 19, 2018

Our First Week of Summer Vacation

It sure was nice having all of my people home this week.  It was weird...we didn't do anything really special, but everything felt special because we all got to do all of the not special stuff together.  I hope that makes sense.

We did not have to wake up when it was still dark outside.  We got to sit on the patio and read the paper and do the puzzles together.  Mr. Guy and The Lady got to drink LOTS of coffee together.  I had my orange juice.  Everyone, except Mr. Guy,  knows that orange drinks taste so much better than brown drinks!

We went shopping.  The Lady got a strange new watch.  I think she got it because she needed someone like Mr. Guy's Alexa friend to talk to.  The Lady's new friend, who gets strapped to her arm, is named Siri.  I guess that's no more strange than being named Blueper B.

I picked out a blue band for The Lady and I made Siri's square face orange.  That will remind The Lady of me.  I would rather her think about and talk to me, a little blue and orange furry monster, than her new friend, Siri the watch, that gets to go everywhere with her.

We also worked a lot in the greenhouse.  I don't know why Mr. Guy and The Lady call it the greenhouse.  It is not green.  It is white.  Well, most of it is not even white; it's clear because it is glass.  The stuff inside of it is green, but not the house part.  The green stuff inside is the only green part.  Is the White House called the White House because the people inside are supposed to all be white?

I think our not green house should be called the fun house.  I had fun watering the plants and digging in the dirt and looking at all of the colors, green and lots of others.  We go out to the fun house at least two times every day because the plants and flowers need a drink.  They don't drink orange or brown stuff.  Their drink is the same color as their house - clear!  Do they drink white drinks in the White house?  Maybe vanilla milkshakes?

Even though The Lady did no have to go to work this week, she did have to go practice singing.  Mr. Guy and I had guy bonding time while she sang.  We played games on Mr. Guy's phone while we waited for The Lady to be done.

The next day, The Lady and I made muffins.  Mostly she made them and I ate them.  I liked the muffins a lot because they had orange food in them.  Well not orange food like an orange that grows on a tree; a different orange food.  It was called carrot.  I liked it a lot!

Today I got to go with Mr. Guy to a Farmers Market.  I didn't know why we were going to that place.  We are not farmers.  Even though Mr. Guy grows stuff in his fun house, I don't think he is a farmer.  Farmers have cows and tractors.  We don't have wither of those things.  He told me he had to go because he was bored at the library. if you don't like to read books, they turn you into a farmer?  I'm glad I like books.  I don't think Id like being a farmer.

We went to this market and he was telling all the people he saw about how much fun the library is and all about the cool stuff you can do there.  This didn't seem right.  He was bored yet he was telling all the other people how fun the library is?  Was Mr. Guy telling lies to all of the farmers at the market?  

I wasn't going to say anything about this to him, but finally I had to.  I asked him why he was telling people that the library was fun when he was bored there.  He told me that he was not bored; he was on the B-O-A-R-D.   He likes the library a lot.  His kind of board is for people who want to make the library an even more fun place.  He said that all of the farmers could come.  In fact, he told everyone he met at the market that they could come to his library.

I sure am glad that we got that cleared up!  I was afraid that I wouldn't get to go to the library and get new books anymore!  Then I would be bored!

Now I am looking forward to the rest of our summer vacation together!

Monday, May 14, 2018

Late Night Reading

Offspring No. 1 likes books a lot!  She tried to share some of her books with me, but I don't understand them.  They are called science friction and they have great big words that this little blue and orange furry monster does not know.  Since I can't read those books, she showed me in our library where the books for little monsters are.  

She thought I might like some by a doctor who sues people.  I don't know why she thought that.  And anyway, I didn't think doctors sued people.  I thought lawyers sued doctors.  Maybe these books are science friction for little monsters.  There science could be the doctor part and the friction the lawyer part.  I still wasn't sure I would like these stories, but Offspring No. 1 said that she liked them when she was little like me.

When I opened the book, the words were not too hard for me.  I was surprised by that and also that  there were no words about doctors or lawyers.  The book was about an elephant and specks of dust.  Hmmm...I guess that is kind of about science - zoology and dustology.  And there was a little friction between the elephant and a monkey and a kangaroo.  But no one ever got sued.  The book ended with everyone living happily ever after.  I don't think people are happy after they get sued.

My favorite part of the book is when the elephant says, "A person's a person no matter how small."  I think that means monsters too.  

I hope Offspring No. 1 doesn't tell Mr. Guy and The Lady that I was reading when I was supposed to be in bed asleep.  The Offspring said it would probably be okay if they found out.  When she was little she used to stay up late reading books too.  Since Mr. Guy and The Lady like books too so I probably wouldn't get in trouble if they knew I snuck out of bed to read a book.  It would be different if I was playing with Lego or watching HGTV.  Then I would be in trouble.

Happy Mother’s Day

I spent a happy weekend with my family, all of them, the two-legged ones, the four-legged ones, the furry ones and the bald ones.  I love all of my people and monsters!  I'm really happy that The Lady is my mom - even if I do have to share her with lots of others!  I think she has enough love for us all.  I also think that she got lots of practice being a mom with the Offsprings.  By the time I got here, they were all grown up and she was an expert mom.  I don't know if The Offsprings would agree with me on that, though.

Isn't it funny that even though it was Mother's Day, we have a photo with Mr. Guy, me, and the four-legged monsters.  That is because The Lady says that she would much rather be behind the camera than in front of it.

My family and I wish everyone a Happy Mother's Day!  This means all mothers!  Those of offspring, those of furry little blue and orange monsters, those of four-legged furry babies, and all those that have given of themselves to be a mother figure in the life of someone else.

Friday, May 11, 2018

Waiting for What?

The Lady has a flat square box that she stands on sometimes.  Some days she smiles when she looks at it and some days she doesn't.  The Lady told me that this flat square box tells her how much her wait is.  I'm not quite sure what she is waiting for.  Maybe Christmas.  Maybe breakfast.  Maybe for the Amazon guy to deliver something.  Maybe for a trip.  She could be waiting for lots of things.  

What I wonder is how the box knows for which of those things it is supposed to tell her her wait.  

She doesn't talk to the square box like Mr. Guy does his cylinder box in the kitchen.  The cylinder box even has a name, Alexa.  Mr. Guy really likes talking to his cylinder box.  And it likes talking to him too.  It tells him all kinds of stuff like jokes and what is going on in the news.  Mr. Guy says that sometimes it is hard to tell the difference between jokes and the news.  He can ask his friend Alexa, the cylinder box, how long he has to wait for Christmas.  Or how long his food has to cook.  And it knows.  The Lady's square box is not not as friendly or as smart as Mr. Guy's cylinder box.

This furry little blue and orange monster would rather talk to friends than either a flat box or cylinder box.  I prefer to just ask Mr. Guy or The Lady how long I have to wait for stuff.